Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Before I had words...

There is a part of me the world never sees… my true self… unchanged by the world… that existed before I had words… (bigger versions)

Before I had words, a means to communicate with others, I just was… Without words there was no way for the world to change who I was, there was no way to learn things I didn't experience, nothing was bound and everything was endless. Then words and symbols, languages written and spoken became important. Over time the world became manageable, predictable, understandable. There is a such a practical nature to symbols and words that they became everything to be for years. Doors opened, information flowed in and I felt that the more I could absorb and master the greater my life would become… the problem was that it took me away from my my true self… the part that existed before I had words…

As I grew older and became frustrated and annoyed with parts of life I came to realize that the only time I ever really felt "right" was in the fleeting moments of twilight before dreams. That time became special to me, I was safe and comfortable and peaceful and I for a few moments I felt as if I understood everything all at once that I was a part of everything all at once and that no moments of time or space existed apart from me… I could bear the world for the day because I knew at night I could just be... as I existed before I had words…

Now we all have to grow up and cast aside the "foolish" things we do as children. Our make believe games without purpose, our imaginary friends, our days watching clouds and rolling in the grass. If we resist, society compels and we find our way in the world. The problem here is that society is at it's core dependent on communication, those words and symbols become tools and resources. As I mastered them, life became easier and superficially better… but I had become more and more dependent on them… I lost sense of the I that existed before I had words…

That true part of me is still there, unaltered by words or time, and still appears in the moments before dreams, when I suddenly act - trusting my gut without knowing why - without thinking, when I am moved with unexpected emotions that I cannot explain… Sometimes, very rarely but sometimes, I can get to a place that bridges the boundary between what the world knows and that which it never can… if only a moment behind the shutter, before I had words…